10 Comments
Elise
18/9/2015 08:56:58 am
He approached the heavy, rotting oak door... Placing the palm of his hand against the cold wet wood he gently pushed... . The door creaked and Johnny walked in and chocked ! The house smelt of dead people but John was not bothered until .
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G Murphy
25/9/2015 09:15:58 am
Good use of vocabulary and tension built well. Do check your use of full stop after brackets too. Well done.
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EvaW
18/9/2015 08:57:09 am
He approached the heavy,rotting oak door ...placing the palm of his hand on the cold wet wood, he gently pushed... He approached the warm yet creepy House you could hear his clacking heavy boots on the wooden floor.Standing stationary he looked round the house there was a miniture monkey he thought it was cute but it did his business on his shoe “get out " said the man and the monkey ran away.As he let the monkey out the kitchen door he sniffed and smelt something delicious he looked around desperately to find out what it was.
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G Murphy
25/9/2015 09:17:10 am
Yes, you used some interesting and well structured sentences. Well done.
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SadieM
18/9/2015 08:57:32 am
He approched the heavy, rotting oak door... placing the palm of his hand against the cold, wet wood, he gently pushed... The door creaked as he pushed it open, and there he saw a dusty, old, rotten staircase.... He began climbing up the squeaky stairs... The wind blew through the open door... He managed to get to the top of the swirly, wooden staircase and a nest of miniature, baby spiders came and crawled up his legs but he managed to escape... He heard footsteps downstairs...🙀
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G Murphy
25/9/2015 09:18:58 am
A pleasing variety of punctuation. Very impressive. Well done.
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Izzy
18/9/2015 08:57:43 am
He approached the heavy , rotting oak door ....placing his Palm against the cold, wet wood he gently pushed.....Dylan stepped inside next minute the door slammed shut. Dylan cried and shouted for help but nothing worked. Desperate he sprinted to the kitchen there was nothing there but BONES! Dylan wasn't alone in that cottage though because in the cottage he heard a scream for help. A shadow landed on the wall what was it . A mouse scurried across th ecreaking floor boards Dylan jumped. The figure was gone but he heard a scream gain but this time not for help it was twin are coming to haunt u forever and ever get out before its to late. The boy was never seen again and now he haunts the cottage waiting for revenge ! MWHAHAHAHAHA !!!!!
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G Murphy
25/9/2015 09:22:07 am
Yes, great pace and good use of punctuation. Well done.
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Eleanora
18/9/2015 08:58:20 am
Approaching the brow of the hill ,the sun was rising in the brightening land. Suddenly it turn cold like all the happiness had gone from in side me; the cold when you think you're on your own; the cold when you have no one there that can keep you warm. Out of the blue a teal light was coming rapidly. It came closer. Then a voice well it wasn't really a voice it was more of a undertone hum than a voice. It whispered " we are coming, we are coming,run,run I tell you RUN!!!!!!" So I ran as swiftly as the teal light. But something stopped me a ebony,sooty,hooded figure! That moments of my life I thought I was doomed,even though it has happened several times before, it was the most horrific day of my life, but I fought through it. It last ed hou s but it felt like days....... I did it I defeated the most powerful man of our age, the man who murder my parents Lord.........
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G Murphy
25/9/2015 09:23:29 am
You use many key aspects of writing well here. Good punctuation and varied fonts for affect. Good sentence structures too. Well done.
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