Have a think about who ‘she’ is and what could have happened to make her cry.
Use the following: clauses / commas / semi-colons / simile / metaphor / 5 new words / passive sentence
Minimum 100 words ('She' can be a 'he' if you want...)
…She just wouldn’t stop crying…
Have a think about who ‘she’ is and what could have happened to make her cry. Use the following: clauses / commas / semi-colons / simile / metaphor / 5 new words / passive sentence Minimum 100 words ('She' can be a 'he' if you want...)
24 Comments
Leah M
8/11/2015 06:51:47 pm
She was an old, wrinkly grandma. I remember her well and I terribly miss her. The day she died she just wouldn't stop crying. She kept on saying that her husband hadn't lived long enough. He only died yesterday when she was preparing to take him out to his favourite restaurant, Romantiquie Valenteen Restaurante. I think she may have killed herself though, because she was going on about how she would rather die and be with him than stay alive and suffer without him. I really hope she is alright up there, even if she does have her husband, Jasper. Sofia, my grandma, has never cried in her life, even as a child, so we were all extremely surprised when she suddenly burst into tears. I really wish she had stayed alive; there is so much I still don't know about her. I remember her cheeks being as red as cherries and her hair as brown as a chestnut. Her lips were pink and her nails were swords on each finger.
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G Murphy
29/11/2015 10:32:29 pm
Well done, an enjoyable passage of writing.
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Evaw
8/11/2015 07:07:22 pm
She might be a young girl she might have had something sad happen to her in her life witch has made her cry...Her name is jennifer ,18 years old, from Europe. Her dad died in a car crash his name was Timothy. She had a really bad time as she was in the car behind him when the accident happened. She had realised with her friend ,he stopped to wave but he was too late to grab hold of the steering wheel again. Jennifers mum was so lucky to have got out of the car in time she was so sad when she got back to the car and saw her husband dead on the seat of the car.Jennifer might have been crying because of that it is very sad. Timothy ,Jennifers dad,had a couisin called derek he died by losing breath.it was like she was swimming in her own tears.Derek was a lovely uncle he had given jennifer lots of stuff in the years like a toy elf for christmas; a new barbie doll; a barbie doll house and a barbie car. That is what i think
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G Murphy
29/11/2015 10:34:51 pm
Good work and an enjoyable read. Be careful with punctuation though please, there are some errors.
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Who is she?
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G Murphy
29/11/2015 10:36:02 pm
Well done Katya, another high quality passage of writing. 2 x hp.
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Emily R
9/11/2015 06:12:36 pm
She just wouldn't stop crying... the death of her dog was just tragic; Lucy loved that puppy. He had been on so many journeys with her to , Liverpool , Manchester and Preston in the North ; Portsmouth , Surrey and Bristol in the South and everywhere else! The dog was called Poppy and she was a Maltese puppy. Poppy , miniature fluffy and white , was always a cheeky and inquisitive spirit. Poppy was a cloud with legs. On a Wednesday we would take Poppy to the field. She would run like the wind on the luscious , green grass. The memories Poppy and Lucy shared are incredible ; they shared practically everything.
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G Murphy
29/11/2015 10:37:59 pm
Good work. Some super language choices and and an enjoyable read.
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ELLE
9/11/2015 06:47:39 pm
SHE JUST COULDNT STP CRYING...
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G Murphy
29/11/2015 10:41:51 pm
More evidence and better punctuation is required here please.
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Matthew
10/11/2015 08:30:15 pm
She might not of stopped crying because of her injury and when she fell over .She was playing tag with her friends ,on Monday ;when a different child was playing with her friends some different games :hide and seek ,tag ,football and basketball .She was watching them play when she got tagged .She played this frequently with her friends and had pleasure doing this because she was as fast as a cheetah!She was a bit of a show off ;like Ronaldo!She was a good footballer though ,she was great!But now it's come to this ; oh no!
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G Murphy
29/11/2015 10:43:26 pm
Good, written in an interesting style. But be careful with punctuation please.
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Kobe
11/11/2015 07:27:15 pm
She just wouldn't stop crying...Today was a woebegone day for this girl her brother,John,aged 12,got lost in the voluminous city of Tokyo;they went there on holiday.
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G Murphy
29/11/2015 10:45:16 pm
Good language selection and punctuation use. Well done.
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Max M
11/11/2015 07:30:24 pm
Emily (''She'') was crying because...
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G Murphy
29/11/2015 10:46:54 pm
An effective passage of writing that has good punctuation use. Well done.
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Molly .S
12/11/2015 03:44:40 pm
She couldn't stop crying.Her heart and head were filled with sorrow.From that moment on she knew she would never feel hapiness ever again.With trembling hands she lifted the hamster's cold,stiff body from his run-down cage.She tried attaching his heart to a battery but nothing would bring him back.She desperately called"Steph!" Her mother had died several years ago and despite her father's pleas,she would never call her stepmother 'mum'.The girl instantly suspected her stepmother as she hated rodents and openly showed it.The girl could train animals to do tricks and breakdance.
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G Murphy
29/11/2015 10:49:21 pm
Be careful with drafting and editing - some errors made. A good attempt. Well done.
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Lilly.k
12/11/2015 04:57:36 pm
She just wouldnt stop crying...let's start from the begining.my name is cassia I have a best friend called finch and this is a story about me.It started when I moved house that meant I had to move school where I meet finch.We are total opposite but we get along so well and I am just gig to skip days till we get to the day I didnt want to exist ... it was the day I found out what highschool I got in to; because I am not some as pink as pink I wanted to go to a mixed school but because I am as lucky as a four leaf clover I got an expensive all girl school thanks to my mum and dad ;with my decision they wouldn't have to pay 4000 pound a year ,now I am up to the first part,I ask finch to come over to decuse are new school and she just wouldnt stop crying about her mum getting a new boyfriend and when I told her the news she ...
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G Murphy
29/11/2015 10:52:37 pm
A good attempt but please proof read to check punctuation errors. Keep up the good work.
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Sadie
12/11/2015 06:19:44 pm
She just wouldn't stop crying... Sarah was bawling her eyes out, her mother came down to see what was wrong; but nobody else ever goes to the basement.
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G Murphy
29/11/2015 10:57:38 pm
Check apostrophes please. A good passage of writing that generally has very good punctuation.
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Nathan
12/11/2015 08:32:45 pm
He just wouldn't stop crying . Every day he would just cry ; every night he would just cry . Tom would just run to his room when he got home from school until he had to go to sleep . We think he is filled with poignant regret . The worst part about this is that he doesn't go to sleep until he falls asleep ( midnight ) which means we stay up until midnight and he cries like a Lion roaring . When we ask him why he is crying he replies with : go away , leave me alone , I'm angry or people are bullying me . We both know that he is lying ,like always , because he doesn't say anything else after that . We will get to the bottom of this ...
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G Murphy
29/11/2015 10:59:05 pm
This is well written and your punctuation use, and content, are good. well done.
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